Barry and Suzanne asked if they could speak to me... They had been married for 7 years. He was Jewish from NY. She was from a Catholic family who grew up in the Midwest. They had met after college in NY. Suzanne had gone to school in the Midwest and after graduation ventured out to NY to work in the fashion industry. She was very hip, a great designer and actually fit into NY pretty well. A little less assertive than most but definitely had style. Barry worked on Wall Street and they both had real promising careers. It was all going great for them, and here comes the but... except for her parents. Barry had been good to them, always treated them very well and genuinely liked them. He thought they liked him too until the last visit when it came to a head... They had been talking about some of their new purchases both had been excited to buy. Some of the items included  art work for their brownstone in Manhattan. Suzanne’s dad Bill asked Barry about the art work, “Boy it all  looks real expensive but I bet you jewed ‘em down” like you people always do”. At that moment it all became clear, all the little comments about money and world economy and our “dam involvement in the war cause of them over there”. Barry at that point felt alone. He became terribly insecure wondering first why he always felt bad deep down around his in laws and then even more concerned if Suzanne felt that way. He  reflected deeply and could not come up with any instances where he had ever heard any comments from his wife before.  They had a lot of Jewish friends in NY and Suzanne’s best friend Ellen was Jewish... He knew she felt close and comfortable with her. She had reminded her parents that when they would visit them not to serve pork products. They just brushed it off the ignorance when Mom said she forgot and made ham for dinner one night. But he still was concerned confronting her with her dad’s comments. Would she deny it, make him out to be the bad guy not just being understanding or would she equally be outraged… After all it was her father. This issue never came up as they began to put their lives together. Neither of them saw it coming, although Suzanne said she had heard these comments but never considered her parents prejudice. They also were more aware of the response of Barry’s parent’s that he was maryring a shikse. This was almost standard Jewish rhetoric, not necessarily prejudice but more concerned for the assimilation of Jewish people. Barry’s parents did like Suzanne and felt more assured as the couple decided to raise their children in a Jewish home.

Prejudice runs deep in people’s souls. Anti-Semitism is one form of extreme prejudices and   although it’s an uncomfortable topic to bring up it is another area of hard truth that couples thinking about intermarriage must address. It may not be coming from your partner but it may be a part of their extended family system...