Barry and Suzanne asked if they could speak to me... They had been married for 7 years. He was Jewish from NY. She was from a Catholic family who grew up in the Midwest. They had met after college in NY. Suzanne had gone to school in the Midwest and after graduation ventured out to NY to work in the fashion industry. She was very hip, a great designer and actually fit into NY pretty well. A little less assertive than most but definitely had style. Barry worked on Wall Street and they both had real promising careers. It was all going great for them, and here comes the but... except for her parents. Barry had been good to them, always treated them very well and genuinely liked them. He thought they liked him too until the last visit when it came to a head... They had been talking about some of their new purchases both had been excited to buy. Some of the items included  art work for their brownstone in Manhattan. Suzanne’s dad Bill asked Barry about the art work, “Boy it all  looks real expensive but I bet you jewed ‘em down” like you people always do”. At that moment it all became clear, all the little comments about money and world economy and our “dam involvement in the war cause of them over there”. Barry at that point felt alone. He became terribly insecure wondering first why he always felt bad deep down around his in laws and then even more concerned if Suzanne felt that way. He  reflected deeply and could not come up with any instances where he had ever heard any comments from his wife before.  They had a lot of Jewish friends in NY and Suzanne’s best friend Ellen was Jewish... He knew she felt close and comfortable with her. She had reminded her parents that when they would visit them not to serve pork products. They just brushed it off the ignorance when Mom said she forgot and made ham for dinner one night. But he still was concerned confronting her with her dad’s comments. Would she deny it, make him out to be the bad guy not just being understanding or would she equally be outraged… After all it was her father. This issue never came up as they began to put their lives together. Neither of them saw it coming, although Suzanne said she had heard these comments but never considered her parents prejudice. They also were more aware of the response of Barry’s parent’s that he was maryring a shikse. This was almost standard Jewish rhetoric, not necessarily prejudice but more concerned for the assimilation of Jewish people. Barry’s parents did like Suzanne and felt more assured as the couple decided to raise their children in a Jewish home.

Prejudice runs deep in people’s souls. Anti-Semitism is one form of extreme prejudices and   although it’s an uncomfortable topic to bring up it is another area of hard truth that couples thinking about intermarriage must address. It may not be coming from your partner but it may be a part of their extended family system... 

A couple approached me to discuss how they were both feeling what they had never wanted to feel. Before Brian, who is a Gentile, and Sara, who is Jewish, got married, they promised to themselves and each other that their different religious backgrounds wouldn't get in the way. They loved each other so much more than that. They wouldn't be like the other couples they had met. They weren't going to have those sorts of problems.

Now they were feeling deep conflict and confusion.  They were partly surprised, but mostly scared. The first two years seemed to work out so well. They thought they had overcome any conflict and confusion, and were now on a smooth path.  They thought the only people who had problems about their marriage were their respective parents.  Now they were being forced to face how they had failed to be either aware or truthful regarding how their religious differences were impacting their life together. 

Brian told me that he felt like his home with Sara had become something other, that basically Sara was too Jewish. It seemed as if Sara had changed, while the luster and newness of their first few years together had worn thin. What seemed okay before was starting to rub him the wrong way. Neither had ever seen the disparity between them as clearly as they did now.

Sara never thought much about Jewish ritual and artifacts while she was in college and dating Brian. After all, her roommates in college were non-Jews, and having a lot of Jewish stuff around was not appropriate to their roommate relatonship. But now that she had a home of her own, things were different.  The mezuzah on the door didn't bother Brian too much. After all,  it was pretty and really not too noticeable. But what was getting to him was the candle sticks and other Jewish "decorations" she insisted on displaying on their shelves. things he had never seen before. They were valuables from her grandparents' homes, and she felt they had a rightful place in the home she was building with Brian.  

But Brian had grandparents too!  He was surprised how angry he felt that what remained of his grandfathers mounted coin collections was still in boxes in their garage. The collection was important to him, a reminder of a beloved family member and the relationship they shared.  He remembered collecting the coins, mounting them in their ornate cases,  and the adventures he and his Grandpa shared going to coin stores and shows. He had felt just as special about these as Sara had about her "big candlestick holders" from her Bubbe. He felt a slowly mounting rage,  over how their entertainment center at home only showed her memorial objects while his treasures remained boxed up in the garage.

It certainly didn't help when Sara remarked that they were only coins, but that hers were religious antiques, some even surviving from the Holocaust. She argued that he was clueless in putting the two in the same category.

Sara also didn't realize that what was important to her when they were just dating changed since when she got married as they started talking about having children. Their common interests from college about community and social justice were replaced for Sara by worries over the loss of her Jewish culture and heritage. Somehow, being intermarried, and looking forward to having children, she started to feel more of a connection with "her people," more preoccupied with the threat of anti-Semitism,  and aware of the political climate in the Mideast. Somehow, being married to a Gentile strengthened her determination to hold on to her Jewish identity.  It was then that her grandmother's voice echoed in her ears, "We cannot assimilate.  Promise me you will marry a Jew and have Jewish children."

Now both Sara and Brian were with a growing sense of disappointment and resentment that both had sworn would never come between them.  In therapy, they confessed that these feelings made them afraid for their marriage, and disappointed that they were no different from other couples they had known. They had imagined that their love was stronger than all these issues. But they were wrong.

Do you identify with this? Has it happened to you yet? How have you dealt with it? This typical scenario reminds all of us that we must face rather than ignore painful realities.  Ignoring, denying, or stuffing the truth doesn't make it go away. It only surfaces later with its own leftover issues that still need to be dealt with, that have now collected more dust while losing no power to disrupt and dismay us.