Intermarrieds

Authors

Tag Cloud

Archived Months

A short description about your blog
Nov 03
2009

Issues of Spirituality

Posted by: Ellen Goldsmith

Tagged in: Spirituality
Ellen Goldsmith

Spirituality is an often intensely personal expression of one’s relationship with God, self, and others. While both Judaism and various Christian denominations encourage us to share a spiritual relationship with our spouses or with an even wider circle, there are probably no two people who don’t have significant differences in their relationship with God. For this reason alone, finding common ground eludes most people, who encounter difficulty doing so, at least for a while.  One must be committed to this process over the long haul, if one is to have any chance of success.  

 
Often, couples long for a unique sense of intimacy, and many want to include God in the relationship they share.  But when this proves to be difficult, or an arena of conflict, disappointment and discouragement can follow. Another hindrance is the naïve belief that other couples have a great spiritual life and that no one else has problems like we do.  This is certainly not true and likely an illusion. Surprisingly, many couples throughout history, even those judged famous or admirable,  have revealed that they didn’t share much of their spiritual life with one another.
 
Sometimes people are so different that they just may not understand each other’s experience with God or modes of relating to Him.  Some people like to read more, some prefer to pray, some speak during prayer, and other feel the spoken word to be an intrusion on holy moments.  Another cause for variation is each person being at a different place in their lives, both exterior and interior,  dealing with different issues. Then again, there will be some common areas and places and practices that can be easily shared
 
While there will always be obstacles, it is a good thing to work and try and find even one or two areas where genuine connection with one’s partner is possible.  I generally advise couples to find those points of connection without forcing the issue, allowing each partner to be him- or herself in the process, seeking to grow individually and together.  
 
Because obstacles of various kinds may exist and may show up unexpectedly, it is important to watch one’s attitudes. Are you prideful against your partner? Do you feel threatened with their differentness?  Do you feel inferior when noticing their areas of spiritual gifts, strength and confidence?  Do you “should” each other and really have an agenda that is designed to change the other to be more like yourself?  Don’t.
 
Realize that God is in the midst, and that he does and will work in each of you and in different ways.  The challenge and opportunity is to cooperate with him through willingness, humility, patience, and love, always looking for commonalities, respectfully treasured, and tenderly nourished.   
Comment (0)
Oct 05
2009

Compromise and Sacrifice

Posted by: Ellen Goldsmith

Tagged in: Compromise
Ellen Goldsmith

Carol and Mark met in high achool. They were immediately smitten with each other, and were known as the “Barbie and Ken” of their town. They fit together so well, they could have never imagined what would happen later on in their “picture perfect” marriage. They were so young, had very little guidance and couldn’t even imagine the conflicts that having children would create.  

 
Carol was raised Catholic and Mark, Jewish, neither of them having too many connections to their religions except for major holidays and life cycle events. Mark and Carol had successfully navigated the differences but when Jacob was born, everything changed. Carol, with her mother’s firm support, felt strongly about the baby being baptized, and Mark and his family knew a bris was a non-negotiable.  The parents had never stepped in before but when it came to these very important rituals,  they “had to” speak up.  Mark and Carol were clueless as to how to solve this impasse, and at a loss as to how to appease two families committed to move in opposite directions. Even within the first few days after Jacob’s birth, they had to give up discussing it because they couldn’t do so without Mark yelling, Carol crying, and both of them more and more frustrated.  The birth of their baby was, in this sense, a nightmare.    
 
Some therapists and advisors are adamant about non-negotiables, while others commend compromise as a necessary marital reality. But could Mark and Carol escape their impasse through a crash course in communications skills? 
 
One major problem was that both Carol and Mark grew afraid to be honest with each other.  As the normal deadlines for the bris and the baptism passed, they were forced to realize that although they didn’t want to fight, they just weren’t prepared to compromise in their hearts. Despite their deep love for each other, they resented the other, and the pressure their in-laws were exerting.  Over time, embracing compromise can get one sided when people start to feel as if they are giving more and more and getting less and less. Finding common ground can end up feeling like dealing with the enemy, or finding oneself a stranger in the strange land of the partner’s family and culture. 
 
Frequently, each partner has a different perception of the compromises being made.   The husband may feel, “I give, and she takes,” and the wife, “No, I give and he takes.”  What began as compromise becomes either sacrifice or victimization. And whenever we sacrifice to make the other person happy, or to simply prevent their going through pain, this creates a dynamic of enabling the other. And when one partner perceives they are being victimized, resentment cannot be avoided. 
 
Often, spouses give in so their partner won’t  be upset, angry, or disappointed. Sometimes spouses are made to feel sorry for the other and then accommodate so the partner can be comfortable and pleased. Sometimes people embrace suffering to spare their mate. 
 
Then again, most of us easily fall into a sense of guilt. This can be a subtle form of control and we may even know we are being played. In such circumstances, people often calculate, “Can I live with this, and is it worth it? I really just need to keep the peace and not have him/her angry at me.”
 
Compromise and sacrifice are not the same thing. Compromise involves giving up something to get something else back. Sacrifice is completely letting go of something “for the sake of the good of others.” But this is not always the case. Sacrifice is only healthy when the person chooses to do so from their heart and not out of mere duty, compulsion, duress, or to avoid some sort of loss. Sacrifice must be chosen from a point of understanding and in service to a true greater good. 
 
True sacrifice is made in freedom, and from the heart.  We must always keep a sense of self and personal integrity intact. The sacrifice of the unwilling is the foundation of alienation, resentment and despair.   
Comment (0)
Sep 07
2009

Facing Hard Things

Posted by: Ellen Goldsmith

Tagged in: Children
Ellen Goldsmith

Jenny knew Alan was Jewish even before she was formally introduced to him by one of her sorority sisters. She had had a crush on him for over a year now and wasn’t about to pass up this opportunity. She was very interested in this promising man who was going o go to Medical School  in the fall and was always very popular.  It wasn’t bad that he was great looking also.. Of course they hit it off and decided to work to maintain the relationship despite the fact that he would be starting Med School at the same time she would be completing her last year of college. They were so in love and wanted it to work out.  As they dated and got more serious,  the issues of their different religious backgrounds didn’t come up too much. He thought it was neat to go to her house for Christmas. All the festive lights and decorations the foods and smells and her Mom’s great praline chocolates.

 
Jenny loved his family too, and their Jewish traditions. She liked the simplicity of Chanukah and the she discovered how delicious the latkes (potato pancakes) were. The differences were interesting, but in the flush of their romance,  neither confusing nor troublesome. Each retained their own practices and identities during these dating years. 
 
Through comments of friends and family, they knew they were going to face challenges in their marriage:  but did they really?  A serious contemplation of their differnces might be a red flag for those watching for it,  and what makes for interesting times during dating doesn’t necessarily make for a good situations in a marriage.  But denial is a problem for everyone, isn’t it.  And especially when you’re in love, there are things you just don’t want to look at.  
 
It was after the children were born that the fights suddenly got overwhelming. Alan and Jenny even thought at this point they needed to seek professional help because the children were suffering due to their parents’ unresolved conflicts.  Neither of them were religiously anchored before they got married but as the children grew older and started asking “Mommy what religion am I,” they both realized they would need to have a better solution than a shrug of the shoulders. Letting the children decide for themselves wasn’t  the responsible thing to do.  The kids looked to them for answers, and rightly so. 
 
They didn’t know what to tell them.  And telling the children they were “both” was confusing, not the kind of answer a child can understand or share with friends.   Of course both Alan and Jenny felt much more attached to their own beliefs and backgrounds that they realized before they got married and had children.   
 
While you are happily dating and the love feels very strong, it is hard to imagine that religion will become a major issue later on,  but the issue usually looms large after the children are born, an issue that won’t just go away. Parents want their children to share the formative experiences they themselves had, and no parent wants to be a stranger to his or her children, or for the children to feel remote from their parents’ childhood. 
 
Even though it can be uncomfortable, or even a deal breaker, familial religious identity is  a crucial issue to be discussed before marriage occurs. Studies show it is better to have a household made up of one religion rather than both, and letting the children pick and choose is a cop-out that more often than not leaves them feeling cheated and unsupported.  Many Jews and Gentiles find that Messianic Judaism provides a singular focus allowing both marriage partners to honestly retain their individual backgrounds while committing to a common path. 

 

 

Comment (0)
  • «
  •  Start 
  •  Prev 
  •  1 
  •  2 
  •  Next 
  •  End 
  • »

Latest Blog Posts

  • Issues of Spirituali ...
    Spirituality is an often intensely personal expression of one’s relationship with God, self, and others. While both Judaism and various Christian denominations encourage us to share a spiritual ... by Ellen Goldsmith
    Readmore...
  • Compromise and Sacri ...
    Carol and Mark met in high achool. They were immediately smitten with each other, and were known as the “Barbie and Ken” of their town. They fit together so well, they could have never ima ... by Ellen Goldsmith
    Readmore...
  • Facing Hard Things
    Jenny knew Alan was Jewish even before she was formally introduced to him by one of her sorority sisters. She had had a crush on him for over a year now and wasn’t about to pass up this opportun ... by Ellen Goldsmith
    Readmore...
  • Anti-Semitic In-laws
    Barry and Suzanne asked if they could speak to me... They had been married for 7 years. He was Jewish from NY. She was from a Catholic family who grew up in the Midwest. They had met after college i ... by Ellen Goldsmith
    Readmore...
  • It can happen to YOU
    A couple approached me to discuss how they were both feeling what they had never wanted to feel. Before Brian, who is a Gentile, and Sara, who is Jewish, got married, they promised to themselves and e ... by Ellen Goldsmith
    Readmore...